i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
