Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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