you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
