Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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