24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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