it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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