omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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