So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
