The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Randomize
