I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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