I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
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