I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
farters have to be the big spoon...
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
