I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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