yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
you had me at cake vodka
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
