I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
