I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
