There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
