i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
