Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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