im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
