Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
