she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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