Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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