she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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