I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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