i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
