I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
