Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
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