All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
