I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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