Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
