he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”