I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
it was like eating out sand paper
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit