I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
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just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
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proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going