That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
21 Of The Most Regrettable Tattoo Ideas Ever
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.