Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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