i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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