Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
