I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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