Fuck appropriateness.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
