well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
