She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I don't deserve a penis
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
