Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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