You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
