When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
