i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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