Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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