Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
pop tarts are not kleenex
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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