If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
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So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
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I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
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