we have officially lost it.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
