Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
