my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
