There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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