I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
