Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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