Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
