I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
