She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
