If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Every concussion has its silver lining
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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