Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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